You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
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Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Trumpy Cat
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?