Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
You Might Also Like
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around