Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
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here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My support group can outdrink your support group.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
me
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.