My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
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i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I put the hot in psychotic.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
When I snag the last meatball.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out