My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
What kind of a cult is this?
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.