If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
A completely valid reaction tbh
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
work smarter, not harder
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I think I’ll stand
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.