Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
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You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Based Erika
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
it’s the silliest best thing
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.