Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
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*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!