wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
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Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
good let them take over I have had enough
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.