I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
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Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Cake safety first. Always.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.