me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
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wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
it is time once again
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
The pen is writier than the sword.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.