*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
From Facebook just now…
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me