ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
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I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Air conditioning – not a fan
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Start the year as you intend to continue.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.