I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
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You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’