*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
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Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
As the Lord intended
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.