Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
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the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
☠️☠️☠️
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.