My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
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My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
gentlemen, hear me out
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
accurate
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason