I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Inside you there are two wolves
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!