Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
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Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds