It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.