Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
she has a point
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
*pokes sex life with a stick
Travel bloggers during quarantine
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.