[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
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Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[eats all your cotton candy]
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No