Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
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Personal question. #JustSaying
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
And bowling should be called pinball
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
yall want some gasoline milk
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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