My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
You Might Also Like
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*