*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
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Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.