Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
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ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?