I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
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“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Don’t forget to tip your server
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.