i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I need a headline like this
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.