Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
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Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.