[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
こいつ天才
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Bit chilly again tonight.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb