They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
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If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
pelicons
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?