Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
You Might Also Like
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting