Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
You Might Also Like
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Meeeee too!
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.