I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
You Might Also Like
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil