[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
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Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Awesome parenting 😂
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.