Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
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I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus