Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.