The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
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[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now