Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?