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We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.