Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.