Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
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Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!