Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
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Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.