me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
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The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns