COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
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Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.