Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.