You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
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I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
based al yankovic
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.