Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
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how long have you had this for?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.