[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
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Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Found my door mat