Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
*skinny dips into black hole
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.